I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
