I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
