smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
