Only a mothe r could love this liver
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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