it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
