yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
