i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize