scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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