I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
