Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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