It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
