I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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