she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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