after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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