The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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