I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize