Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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