never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
