WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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