Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
