Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
