If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize