i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
