Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
