Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
