I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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