the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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