apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I want her autograph on my taint
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
