wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
