Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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