I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
