Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
