Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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