rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize