who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
