My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
