I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
