just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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