im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
