4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
