the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
