I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
