omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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