youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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