she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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