can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
