I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
