grandma shit on top of the toilet
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
