you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
