i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
