Only a mothe r could love this liver
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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