How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
