Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
