My sheets look like a crime scene.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
