This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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