Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize