I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize