I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
