I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
