i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
